I remember when we had this photo taken. It was a fundraiser for the local animal shelter. We took a rare Saturday morning off from hockey practices, made sure the pups were presentable, and headed over to wherever they were taken. The scene is pretty accurate to the mood. Oz didn’t have a dog in front of him so he was pissy; Preacher (far right) was being pretty but always ready to eat someone if they came too close to his kids; and Tango not giving A.F. The Z’s putting on a smile face in spite of the fact that there was probably some barking (from mom) to get everyone and everything into the car and over to the studio on time.

Busy. Our days were busy. There were some evenings during this time where the little Oz-man would be in his car seat for hours but we’d only drive 2 square miles from ball fields to hockey rinks to soccer fields to church and back to the hockey rink. Throw in the goal of making it to Grandpa’s (my grandpa) once a month three and a half hours away and I’ll say it again, we were busy.

There was school, tubs, stinky hockey gear to disinfect, homework, dance classes, a very tired mom most of the time, and short tempers at times to go around. When you’re in the thick of this stage of parenthood, it’s common to believe that there are easier days ahead. Days when they can get their own hockey gear on. Days when they’ll just magically sit down and do their homework so they can get out to play. Some day, days where they’ll drive themselves to school or practice. Easier days ahead. Just get through this.

What I’ve come to realize, in our case, is that those WERE the easier days. Life was constant. Consistent. I had a voice in my children’s lives. Sometimes a voice that spoke harshly and way too loud, but not always. It’s easy to take on a lot as a parent. I own what’s due, I’ve had to apologize to all of my kids at one time or another. Bad decisions: chaos I brought into an already chaotic time; not knowing how to respond to some of our challenges. But I had a voice. I could steer the ship and for the most part, we stayed upright. Jules 1: Delta airlines 0.

Later years brought teen rebellion we weren’t prepared for and consequences that involved outsiders (yes, there will be vague references here. Some of these aren’t my stories to share, only the pain left in their wake.) Disruptions that impacted future opportunities and present-day peace. Hope that things and people will right themselves; frustration when they don’t. A frustration that turns to sadness when chaos remains.

To be honest, we’ve lived in chaos for years. The HotHunkyHubs is a champ when it comes to bringing some clarity and solutions to some of the chaos but slowly the day comes when you realize that your voice has ceased to reach ears of those you love most of all who choose to stay off the path of success.

Those are hard times. We have lived in perpetual chaos; sadness; frustration; yes, even anger. Yes, we have joy. So much joy and I’m grateful that we can find joy in difficult times. But still. We have watched as adult decisions have impacted the next generation. We’ve moved because of some of those decisions. We’ve seen the impact on the next generation. Sadness; confusion; and a missing of a parent that is absolutely heartbreaking. Difficult times.

Tomorrow is the 32nd birthday of my twins. It is a melancholy birthday for their mom. I am separated from one, and give the other enough space to allow him the opportunity to seek me out when things are going well. It’s hit and miss. There are rules of engagement, of that I am consistent. I’m disappointed in choices and at the same time, filled with hope each day they wake up that they choose a path to success and fulfillment. Today wasn’t that day. Maybe tomorrow.

I yearn for easier days. Homemade birthday cakes. New hockey sticks. A home filled with a good version of chaotic laughter. Lots of hugs and love shared. Maybe that’s the worst part, not being able to share your love. Because no matter what, there is love. So much love.

The hardest part about being a parent is watching your children go through something really tough and not being able to fix it for them. All I am doing is all I can do.