Narrative

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This week, Cam Newton; according to the weaselly Mike of Mike and Mike show, set back black quarterbacks in the NFL 30 years by making a comment that he thought it was funny (funny weird not funny haha) that a woman reporter was asking him about zone plays. Or something like that. I don’t care. First off, fuck off NFL. You started the process of not being welcome in our home last year and solidified it this year. We literally will watch Return of the King on TNT for the 847th time before an NFL game.

Now, I did hear about the comment on morning radio and thought it was funny. And true. Look, there are women (and even some men) who understand football and really just appreciate the game. I’m one of those and to be honest, I really thought I knew the game until I started banging a former football player (it’s ok, I married him so the gods approve) and he’s taught me so much more that now I can recognize plays forming and even (sometimes) understand the difference between a lineman and a linebacker. Sometimes.

But Cam fucked up and the MSM told us to be outraged about his comment. Sponsors fired him; he tearfully (I really don’t know if he tried to summon a tear. It just fits the narrative better and all we want these days is narrative) apologized and stated his words were unacceptable. Unacceptable. Jesus. We allow millions of unborn children to be murdered every year; children to be tortured and abused by their own parents, and four thousand other heinous crimes in America every day but doG forbid some athlete say something honest and stupid. At this point I view the media as a flowing fog that is just flying through the air of America looking for some inane topic to attach itself to and when they find it, they sink their teeth in and unleash hell.

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It’s actually Saturday and I surprisingly feel pretty good but I just really thought this was funny. Please to enjoy.

We live in an age where everything is offensive. But wait a minute. If everything is offensive, nothing can be offensive. It’s so fucking diluted that Joe Public is reading the paper to see what they should uprise against on any given day.

Oh hey, last week my son and his friends took part in a protest in Madison to legalize medical marijuana. I asked if they angrily raced their fists and he says, “Mom, everyone was stoned. No one was angry.” There ya go. More pot, less angry Americans.

 

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I dunno, I would really just love if all of those outraged at Cam Newton could gather together and direct said rage at the IOC and all athletic organizations who are allowing boys and men to infiltrate their female classes and steal medals and records set by girls and women. Because that would actually mean something. But that would take work and work doesn’t fit the narrative.

 

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First World problems…or, errrrr…

 

I miss Benny Hill. Sunday nights were Benny Hill and then the Smother Brothers. The Smother Brothers looked like Sunday school teachers after Benny Hill but being able to laugh at it all was a gift. Throw in an episode of Get Smart and Monty Python and you’ve got a perfect fuckin’ night. See, that’s what America is missing. Benny Hill. Laughing at outrageously inappropriate and offensive content.

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See, in the olden days, we had enemies. Real enemies that posed a threat to the freedoms that Americans hold dear. But now we’re told to embrace cultures that directly oppose American values. By god, can you imagine if President Reagan would have said, “Mr. Gorbachev, we would prefer if you tore down that wall but we want to be respectful of your culture and values so really, just do what you want and we’ll all go out for Schnitzel afterwards. Well, in West Germany that is.”

See, for whatever reason, some in America want Americans to be the common enemy of Americans. And you’re letting them. Every overreaction. Every fake offensive outcry. Every time you refuse to listen to another’s point of view. Every fake news story shared. Gods, remember when Fake news was funny? The Onion. That was funny shit and NOTHING was off limits. Now, we’re ready to jump on each other (and not in a fun, happy ending kind of way) for any perceived slight. It’s boring. Stop it. Be nice. Be honest. Be honorable. Stop fighting on the Facebook, above all else, stop fighting on the Facebook. Stop contributing to this shit. Allow another view in your home without resorting to calling names. None of this “agree to disagree” bullshit. It’s called disagree and it’s perfectly okay. Matt and I do it all the time and still seem to live in perfect harmony. (Okay, we’re not a fucking Coke commercial but you get the point.)

Stop making your fellow Americans the enemy. Stop allowing the media to push a narrative that pits you against your neighbor (unless your neighbor is Francis. He’s an asshole and probably a Commie anyway.) American values are to be celebrated. Strong family units without the bullshit. Strong marriages (by the way, I am always inspired by strong marriages. There’s no secret to them. Folks just decide to wake up each day, support and stay married to their person. In a non-abusive situation, I find that inspiring.) Sunday dinner. Old time shit.

And laugh. By gods, laugh. Somewhere along time Americans have stopped laughing at funny, unacceptable nasty shit. Mel Brooks; Monty Python; Benny Hill; AbFab. Whatever it is that makes you laugh, laugh.

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Mongo only pawn in the game of life.

Mongo

 

 

 

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Passive Aggressive Decrepitude

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Check any assisted living or nursing home pantry and they’ll have cases of this crap. 9g Protein? How about two eggs? That’s 14. 

Also, Ensure has 34g of Carbohydrates and 9g of fat. The first ingredients of Ensure are:

Corn Syrup; Corn Maltodextrin; Sugar (Sucrose); Corn Oil. Read: TOTAL SHIT. It pisses me off that it’s passed off to the elderly and adolescents, two groups of the population who need better in order to thrive.

But that’s actually not the point of today. I know, getting sidetracked is common around here. Starting off sidetracked may be a first. Anyways.

I had a conversation the other day with someone I love very much. This person’s DNA hates them. Heart disease and Diabetes run rampant among family members and I used my stern mommy voice when I said, “You have to do better.” The response I got, real and honest, was I know, I’m not eating as much chocolate as I like to.

This is the crux of having people you love follow traditional nutrition. So many look at what they’re NOT doing with absolute disregard with what they ARE doing. And what you ARE doing, is driving yourself into the ground. Oh sure, doctors and a handy marketing department will tell you that one ensure shake a day is what it takes to undo everything wrong. Fok.

It’s overwhelming. It’s daunting. How do you get through? Tough love? Repetition and repetition? Gently (clearly not my strongsuit)? The fact is: the “healthcare” field has passively aggressively been placing Americans into an early state of decrepitude for a very long time. Probably since industrialized times but I’ll let people smarter than me write about that. They’re quick to prescribe and slow to be stern about lifestyle. People want welfare recipients to be drug tested yet are some of the first to go to the doctor for drugs when they don’t feel perfect (but that’s okay because they’re insured and are prescribed by doctors.)  Fok that.

I care about now. I care about so many people who do not take their health seriously. People of all ages. Sure, it’s tough to tell youngins how important good sleep and nutrition are. They’re invincible. Or are they? My Facebook feed is full of complaints from the 20-somethings. They feel like crap (look like crap too but I guess I’m insensitive when I say that to their face.) They don’t sleep well. They’re stressed (it’s adulthood kids, it doesn’t go away until you do.) Medications are S.O.P and doctor’s appointments are like going out for Taco’s (both probably happen too often.) They treat their bodies like a Destroilet and then take to social media to bitch about how crappy they feel.

OH hold on, you don’t know what a Destroilet is?

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A Destoilet is a throne you T.T. and shit upon and when you close the lid, a fire incinerates said shit. We had one at the Cabin. Briefly. It was the most terrifying experience of my childhood and I preferred to take my chances with the spiders and bats heading out to the Outhouse. Both options were horrible and as soon as I was able (about 11 years old), I’d just take the mini-bike and trek the 2 miles to Patterson’s to use their bathroom. Fuck that noise (literally, the noise from the Destroilet was like a raging inferno coming for your shit. )

Anyways. But this is what many young people I know are doing to themselves. DOING. See, that’s what is important. Not what you’re NOT DOING. Your food choices cause inflammation. Your dependence on Medications to make you feel better (even though you’re feeling like shit because of the side effects) instead of going to the gym and lifting weights; or Zumba; or Water Aerobics, or anything goddsakes ensures (see what I did there?) that you stay diseased. They put all this shit IN their bodies and believe it will all just be burned out at some point (it isn’t. That’s why you feel like shit.)

But I’m not going to just pick on the young people here. We do it too. It’s all over the place. I hear it at least once a week from someone. I want “X” and I don’t do “Y” as much anymore so I should be feeling better or looking better. My answer? Well, because your “A-W plus Z” is complete shit. Why would you expect different results?

You don’t take 8 hours of sleep seriously (yes, 8. Generally. 6 doesn’t cut it and if you need 10 or more you need to go get a sleep study done cuz you’re not sleeping efficiently). There’s something you’re NOT doing. You don’t take nutrition seriously (not eating breakfast; a “nutrition bar” for lunch and then constant snacking on crap for the rest of the day and night isn’t nutrition. It’s a one way ticket to disease. Have a nice trip.) There’s another thing you’re NOT doing. You’re not getting to the gym to lift some weights. Yes, walking is good. On that note:

I was throwing yesterday at my normal place (by normal, I mean I have lines sprayed in the grass in a certain spot so I never have to reset my shit at a large park. It’s a bit beat up right now but I’m too lazy to move and remeasure) when an elderly gentlemen walked up and said he’s seen me here a lot and what am I doing. We talked a bit and I gave him an atta boy for getting out in the heat and moving. He gave me a rundown of his routes and I told him he moves very well, if he didn’t mind my saying. He went on to say he lifts weights at Planet Fitness four times a week for 15 minutes also and at 77, he feels good about doing all of this. He said that so many of his friends that just walk have knee and hip pain and he tries to get them to put some muscle on but they think the added weight would be bad. So he just let’s them be and listens to them complain. (He also said he makes sure he eats a lot of protein each day. I didn’t ask what that looks like, I didn’t need to;) I told him I was proud of him and to keep up the great work and I hear his frustration. It was an awesome little encounter.

This guy gets it. This guy is DOING everything he can to stay fit; keep muscle on, and thrive in his 70’s. At least that’s my impression after a brief discussion. None of this, “Go gently into that good night” bullshit. He’s raging. He’s DOING. He’s thriving.

Does it guarantee health? Nope. Not at all. But it does give you more of a fighting chance in states of unhealth. It gives you a chance to have good days. To be better emotionally balanced. To feel good about the choices you make. It helps you look in the mirror and Stuart Smalley that shit.

But you can’t skip steps. There is a flow chart for health and it’s actually very simple. But not easy. I actually understand that. As important as it is to me, I fail on a weekly basis. The difference is my fail’s are small and do not derail. I can absorb them and when I string together enough fail’s that I start feeling ucky (totes a word) I take inventory. I run them by the hubs and he helps me get back on track. He’s supes awesome that way.

Focus on what you’re DOING. Your answers to your state of health, or unhealth, are right there.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Dylan Thomas

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Favorite Weightlifter

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I’ve seen Noobs raise their hand like this when they win their first white belt bjj match. Ummmm, no.

This past January, I had the awesome opportunity to spend the weekend at a Catalyst Athletics weightlifting seminar. It was amazing. Tell ya what, I never knew that pvc and an empty bar could wreak such havoc on the abs until the middle of the night in between days when I woke up to TT and basically had to just roll out of bed. Yowzer. (Yes, we put weight on the bar. Duh.) Holding positions for moments that turned into hours was intense.

And incredibly helpful. My lifts are still improving and after this throwing thing, I’ll be right back at it. Yeah lifting.

During lunch one of the days, a few other attendees and I were talking about various social media weightlifting scams and other such fun when the topic of our favorite weightlifter came up. Folks went around the circle and stated mostly the latest and greatest crossfit turned weigtlifter athlete but when they got to me, I looked them square in the eye (tough to do in a circle;) and simply said, “Me.”

Greg Everett laughed out loud. A couple of the ladies threw me some crusty looks and rolled their eyes and a Minnesota guy said, “Right on.” (Dude, you’re from Minnesota. No one from Minnesota says ‘right on’ but that’s not the point.) I went on to say, I’m my favorite athlete. I invest more in myself whether it be hard work or time  or money or diet or sleep or whatever is needed to succeed. While I can and do appreciate the talents of far higher athletes, I’m my favorite. If I wasn’t, what am I doing here?

Well, the girls calmed down a bit and one woman from Washington came over later and shared that she’s never looked at herself like that but will from now on.

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Photo by the amazing Douglas Sisk. Also, #mrscrowleyisactuallymyfavorite.

Ya know who doesn’t apologize for doing what is necessary to succeed? Successful people. I know far too many adults who won’t take that last cookie even if they want it. Me? Fuck that. (I wouldn’t eat the cookie though. If it were the last glass of wine I’d cut a bitch and drink happily.) I know far too many adults who were always taught that their needs and even wants were far less important than the stranger’s in front of them. Including me. That whole sharing myth bullshit thing.

And no, I’m not talking about the Mother Teresa’s of the world. Obviously. But there is a not so fine line between being present for others and throwing your own needs away while allowing people to suck the life out of you.

Why in the world would I apologize for working hard? For doing what is necessary to (most importantly) feel strong and healthy and work to succeed in various ventures in life. WTF do I care about Tatiana Kashirina? Zero. I care zero. Am I amazed by her accomplishments and feats of strength? Totes. Supes impressed. (That’s how the kids talk.) But my investment in her is zero. My investment in myself is 100%. My hope for those I love is that their investment in themselves is 100%. Thrive. Even in tough times. ThriveAnd that still leaves plenty of time to not be an asshole. Really. It amazes me that so many people have an ‘all or nothing’ view on putting themselves first. There are 24 hours in each day. 9 is meant for bed if you’re lucky. That leaves 15. We’ll spend, what, 2 hours eating or preparing to eat or traveling to eat? 13. We have an hour of “personal time” (#brownchickenbrowncow!!) with your spouses/partners/tinder hook-ups. 12. Eight hours working. Four. We now have four hours (probably more cuz few people don’t actually sleep 9 hours a night, including me.) Four hours to power clean the house; talk; read; watch America Ninja Warrior; snuggle your dogs; reach out to others; push the prowler; grocery shop (I HATE when people with money bitch about grocery shopping. Dude, you live in fucking America where you get to just walk into a store and buy food and beer. WTF is your problem that you’re bitching about that?)

Where was I? Oh ya, hours in the day not to be a self absorbed asshole while still investing in yourself. In fact, I would contend that the more you are used to investing in yourself, the better you feel (physically and emotionally) and are able to reach out to others. Share a little love. Pay it forward. Whatever the meme of the day says about such things. Investing in yourself is not the same as being self absorbed. It just means you’re spending the time necessary to be better. Stop apologizing for wanting to be better. Sure, many people will be threatened by it. Especially those who want you to be stuck (with them.) Get above that shit. You’ve always been too good for it. And don’t even apologize for climbing. I abhor people who do well or accomplish something and when praised, say something like, ‘Oh well, it was luck. I’m really not that good.’ Jeezus. STFU Donny! Here, let me shovel empowering shit into your face until you can’t breath and choke from your low self esteem.

Anyways.

Also, and this is more observation vs. science, when investing and believing in yourself is your normal you are far more able to detect when unhealthy people are trying to leech onto you. Because they want that. But they don’t want to work for it. They will align themselves to you and talk mad shit about you at the same time. I assume I’m not the only one who’s had difficulty with this, even as an adult. Sometimes I’m successful at heading that shit off at the pass; other times I’ve been a miserable failure and then get very down on myself for allowing that to happen. Damn me for not being perfectly brilliant.

Me. I’m my favorite athlete. If I wasn’t, what am I doing this all for?

Sorrynotsorry.

I told that kraut a fucking thousand times I don’t roll on Shabbos!

Walter Sobchak

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