Black Smoke

Posted on May 7, 2025 by tosabarbell

In the immortal words of Michael Scott, “It’s happpenninggg.” Pope watch. Years ago, Matt and I were on our way to Lapland Finland for his last Champions League Iceman contest. We stopped in Helsinki for the night and quickly realized that most of the television stations were fixated on Pope watch. Eventually, Pope Francis was elected as Pope.

I have to admit, we took Pope watch pretty lightly. I’m not Catholic; the Catholic church had been embroiled in scandal regarding sexual abuse of children for a little over 10 years so excuse me if I don’t really take things seriously as to who will be leading this den of pedophiles (or so I believed then); and an unlimited supply of Mintuu meant that the entire process was festive, but nothing else.

Part of the festivities was the smoke. I didn’t know this was a thing. Lutherans don’t have a supreme leader except for Satan in many of their churches. Yes, Satan leads many of today’s churches including the Lutheran ones, not the point of today. For days, we watched black smoke come out of the infamous chimney. And today will most likely be the first release of, assumingly, black smoke.

Black smoke is somewhat festive, but those watching know there is more coming. The Cardinals are still voting. They’re not done. They’re still figuring it out. Sit tight. It may look as if nothing is happening, but you can’t see the work behind the locked doors of the Sistine chapel. Stand by.

Also this week is my and the Bigg guy’s 11th wedding anniversary. Now, if you look on the google which gift represents the 11th wedding anniversary, you would find a picture of a water heater. Yes, last week, my beloved bought me a water heater. Was it for our anniversary? Probably not but the timing was pretty spot on. He also spent hours cleaning up water in the basement which was another anniversary present, actually a little bit bigger than the water heater itself. Hard to say. But suffice it to say, the HotHunkyHubs took one for the team last week. If I were in Rome, you’d see white smoke coming from the chimney. Mission accomplished. At least one of them.

Mostly; however; we live with black smoke coming from the house. We’re still working on it. Haven’t figured it out. Compromising for an occasional white smoke day. The general public doesn’t see the work that’s happening behind one of our five doors (our house has a lot of doors going to the outside. A spectacular amount actually) but there is always work going on. Sometimes the work is festive, usually it’s mundane.

I’ve come to appreciate Pope watch. I still don’t think I can comprehend the deep meaning as a devout Catholic can, but I can understand the spiritual process. Many want a Pope that will continue Francis’ progressive momentum. Many want a more conservative Pope. What does God want? I don’t know, He hasn’t told me. Probably cuz I’m not Catholic. I hope He wants a Pope that is spiritually led, not led by world topics. We already have enough of that. It distracts us from seeking what God wants from each of us and makes us focus on political agendas of non-believers.

This is the same process Matt and I go through each day together. Who are we serving today? God? Ourselves? The world? More black smoke. The process will likely never be complete. We have to take votes all day, every day. There have been moments of white smoke throughout our 14+ years together. Mere moments. The rest of the time? Black smoke. We’re still working on it. Stand by.

What I DO know, much like (I’m guessing) the billion plus Catholics around the world, is that I’m on the right path. I’ve chosen wisely to put my belief in a marriage to a good man. Because of that, there is always a chance for a white smoke event. Together, we place God above our own worldly desires (some days. We fail a lot in that) and lean into His direction. When we do that, we succeed. Much like the church. All Christian churches in my opinion but especially the Catholic church which is on display right now.

The point of today is not to see the black smoke as a failure. You’re working on it. Keep going. Lean into God’s direction. If it’s not working, really contemplate why and don’t be afraid to change your vote. And on those days that the white smoke billows from the theoretical chimney? Celebrate. Cheer as if you’re watching from the Vatican bricks that white smoke fly. You did it. Soon enough it will be time to get back to work but, in that moment, celebrate a victory.

There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage. Martin Luther

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Words Matter

Posted on April 8, 2025 by tosabarbell

I have written twice already on the importance of using our words. No, screaming at someone calling them names you barely understand isn’t using your words, it’s using propaganda. But that is for another day.

It is rarely more important than in the sport of weightlifting to use the proper language. For example, if your event happens to get shut down on day one because of a potential thunderstorm that actually lasted approximately 33 minutes and the later than scheduled weigh-in needs to take place at a nearby hotel because we couldn’t get into the venue until long after the sun came back out, we do not say that there is a “venue change.” There is absolutely a “location change” for weigh-in’s; however; if you claim that there is a “venue change” to a coach, the coach will immediately show signs of panic because they weren’t aware that there were alternative venues he now needs to get his lifter to with short notice.

Two little words, ‘location’ and ‘venue.’ Very different meanings, especially to weightlifters. We are taught very early on that words matter and if you use them incorrectly, we’re going to ask for clarification and if this clarification is needed multiple times, say at a Marshall’s table in the warm-up area at a meet where at least 5 lifters are fighting for a podium spot, weightlifters and weightlifting coaches tend to get a bit testy. I know. I’ve had to file a SafeSport complaint against one coach for his two hours of bullying and harassing me because I used a word that he felt was incorrect at a meet. SafeSport agreed with me that his behavior was unacceptable and acted accordingly. Rare win for Jules against a USAW board member.

Debbie Millet is one of the most amazing woman and mentor a girl could have. Her calm approach to coaching in the back gives way to absolute fire in the front. Think Brahms to Viking Death metal in a few short steps.

For those not involved in weightlifting, the “back of the house”, i.e. the warm-up area is actually where the magic happens at a meet. I love it. It is orchestrated chaos. Coaches watching what other coaches are doing; lifters going through their pre-meet rituals; openers being raised or lowered depending on how warming up is going, and finally, heading out to the platform to lift. The smell of tiger balm and the sounds of weights dropping, I absolutely love it.

Those who are serving as Marshall’s in the back are in charge of two things, lifting attempts and helping the session to keep moving so as not to delay the minutes that coaches are assuming their lifters have until they go out to the front. The cards in front of me pictured above is what coaches or lifters must fill out in order for an attempt to be entered into the computer (by a 2nd Marshall) and shown on screens both in the back; in the front, and most importantly at the speaker’s table. One change from one coach can force a cascade of more changes by other coaches, especially if you are in a session where multiple people are vying for those medal spots.

The lifters have it easy, they go lift. Those handling them in the back have the pressure of perfectly warming up the lifter; making sure any necessary changes to the lifter’s cards are made in time; out-coaching the other coaches trying to out-coach them; and not throwing hands at the Marshalls when they move too slow and changes don’t get made it time. It is high pressure and there is a very specific language used to alleviate some of this pressure at the Marshall’s table.

Declare and Change. That’s it. There are no deviations from, ‘declare‘ and ‘change.’ A lifter has 30 seconds on their clock to declare. After that, they may make up to two changes to that next attempt. If they first do not declare, then they may not make a change. So say, when the card Marshall tells the computer Marshall that a lifter declares a number to be entered onto the computer system, it is necessary for the computer Marshall to confirm with the cards Marshall that ‘x lifter declares x amount of weight.’ Any deviation to that sentence will bring out a not very patient side of a coach who will state that it was a declaration and not a change. Add in multiple deviations to that sentence and you can have full on anarchy in the back.

When there is Marshall chaos in the back, depending on the meet and the coaches, it’s not good. In 2019, Iranian Olympian Kianoush Rostami’s coaches put in for an opening change that came in too late and wasn’t recognized by the computer system. The delay and chaos (the bad kind) that ensued was legendary. Ultimately, Rostami bombed out in the snatch; threw a full-on temper tantrum in the back after missing his first two attempts while challenger Tian Tao also was on the cusp of bombing out and after Rostami bombed out, he threw another temper tantrum on the platform. It was a spectacular display of “shit went south in the back.” I’m fairly determined not to have that happen on my watch. While our meets do not hold Olympic implications for the lifters (for the most part), they ARE incredibly important for those lifting. They will be treated as such.

Sitting at the Marshall table is no joke. You are, at times, the punching bag for stressed coaches and doing a few simple things to attempt to alleviate coach’s target practice is something I strive for. Because of this, when working with a brand new person who isn’t very comfortable with the fast pace necessary in the back, I’ll do a few things before we start to give them a heads up that things are going to get spicy. I’ll alert the other Marshall that there may be, for example, five women vying for a podium spot. That means changes will come in fast and furious, be prepared. Also, we want to confirm with each other that a declaration or a change is to be entered but we want to keep chatter down to a minimum so as not to slow down other changes coming in. It should also be explained that those fighting for the top will be towards the end of the session so even if the session started out comfortable and steady, well, shit’s about to get moving.

Marshalling a weightlifting session is not for everyone. If the fast pace is too stressful and makes you shut down, it is not for you. If you have a difficult time using the words, declare and change, it is not for you. If a card Marshall tells you that ‘lifter x declares x amount of weight’ and you repeat back, ‘lifter x changes to x amount of weight’ the coach will immediately question if they’ve lost a chance to change because they missed a declaration. To the non-weightlifter, it probably seems silly. Believe me, I agree. At the end of the day, I willingly walk into this weightlifting thing so I need to play by their rules. Sorry not sorry. If you don’t have what it takes to do this thing, go find another way to contribute. Contributing is always appreciated. I’ve recently had to bow out of contributing in a certain way because it wasn’t a good fit. There is absolutely nothing wrong admitting that certain chores aren’t a good fit.

There IS however, something desperately wrong with blaming someone else because you cannot handle the stress of specific situations. That is wrong. Don’t do that. Understand your limitations and go forth accordingly. Sitting next to someone for two hours who is trying to not only help you but also keep a weightlifting session moving and not once saying, “hey, I’m trying here but I feel like you’re talking down to me and that’s not helping me” but putting that someone on blast 7 hours later in an email is not okay. Threatening that person with bodily harm after they attempt to talk with you the next day is not okay. Really any time a man threatens a woman with bodily harm, no matter the reason, it is not okay. Lunging at a woman is not okay. Telling her she absolutely does not want to be standing in front of you right now (or what?) is not okay.

Ultimately, I’m hoping this man has had a chance to think about treating a colleague this way and has come to understand that it wasn’t okay. If not, he can discuss it further with the HotHunkyHubs, who really doesn’t care how a man felt but rather how he behaved towards Mrs. HotHunkyHubs.

Understand this, words matter. At times, it may seem silly and why would it matter that the words are being mixed up? It matters. Sorry not sorry. Buck up and just repeat the words that were said to you originally. See how easy that is?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

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Easier Times

Posted on April 6, 2025 by tosabarbell

I remember when we had this photo taken. It was a fundraiser for the local animal shelter. We took a rare Saturday morning off from hockey practices, made sure the pups were presentable, and headed over to wherever they were taken. The scene is pretty accurate to the mood. Oz didn’t have a dog in front of him so he was pissy; Preacher (far right) was being pretty but always ready to eat someone if they came too close to his kids; and Tango not giving A.F. The Z’s putting on a smile face in spite of the fact that there was probably some barking (from mom) to get everyone and everything into the car and over to the studio on time.

Busy. Our days were busy. There were some evenings during this time where the little Oz-man would be in his car seat for hours but we’d only drive 2 square miles from ball fields to hockey rinks to soccer fields to church and back to the hockey rink. Throw in the goal of making it to Grandpa’s (my grandpa) once a month three and a half hours away and I’ll say it again, we were busy.

There was school, tubs, stinky hockey gear to disinfect, homework, dance classes, a very tired mom most of the time, and short tempers at times to go around. When you’re in the thick of this stage of parenthood, it’s common to believe that there are easier days ahead. Days when they can get their own hockey gear on. Days when they’ll just magically sit down and do their homework so they can get out to play. Some day, days where they’ll drive themselves to school or practice. Easier days ahead. Just get through this.

What I’ve come to realize, in our case, is that those WERE the easier days. Life was constant. Consistent. I had a voice in my children’s lives. Sometimes a voice that spoke harshly and way too loud, but not always. It’s easy to take on a lot as a parent. I own what’s due, I’ve had to apologize to all of my kids at one time or another. Bad decisions: chaos I brought into an already chaotic time; not knowing how to respond to some of our challenges. But I had a voice. I could steer the ship and for the most part, we stayed upright. Jules 1: Delta airlines 0.

Later years brought teen rebellion we weren’t prepared for and consequences that involved outsiders (yes, there will be vague references here. Some of these aren’t my stories to share, only the pain left in their wake.) Disruptions that impacted future opportunities and present-day peace. Hope that things and people will right themselves; frustration when they don’t. A frustration that turns to sadness when chaos remains.

To be honest, we’ve lived in chaos for years. The HotHunkyHubs is a champ when it comes to bringing some clarity and solutions to some of the chaos but slowly the day comes when you realize that your voice has ceased to reach ears of those you love most of all who choose to stay off the path of success.

Those are hard times. We have lived in perpetual chaos; sadness; frustration; yes, even anger. Yes, we have joy. So much joy and I’m grateful that we can find joy in difficult times. But still. We have watched as adult decisions have impacted the next generation. We’ve moved because of some of those decisions. We’ve seen the impact on the next generation. Sadness; confusion; and a missing of a parent that is absolutely heartbreaking. Difficult times.

Tomorrow is the 32nd birthday of my twins. It is a melancholy birthday for their mom. I am separated from one, and give the other enough space to allow him the opportunity to seek me out when things are going well. It’s hit and miss. There are rules of engagement, of that I am consistent. I’m disappointed in choices and at the same time, filled with hope each day they wake up that they choose a path to success and fulfillment. Today wasn’t that day. Maybe tomorrow.

I yearn for easier days. Homemade birthday cakes. New hockey sticks. A home filled with a good version of chaotic laughter. Lots of hugs and love shared. Maybe that’s the worst part, not being able to share your love. Because no matter what, there is love. So much love.

The hardest part about being a parent is watching your children go through something really tough and not being able to fix it for them. All I am doing is all I can do.

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Makin’ It

Posted on March 12, 2025 by tosabarbell

I haven’t written/ranted/blogged/bitched in a quite a while. Why? Busy. Don’t have much to say. Don’t want to contribute to the raging lunatics of America. Focused on living in joy despite life’s hits. I don’t know if I’ll write regularly. I don’t know if I care enough. But I AM! paying WordPress a few bucks a year for this site so I figure I better get my money’s worth.

This picture is a beautiful illustration that we have no idea what can lurk around the corner. It is taken on the porch of our Texas home (ok, we don’t really have a Texas home. We have an airBnB that we stay at when we head down to spend time with Oz and family in Waco. It is the home of a former professor and librarian from Baylor college and we have enough family memories there that we call it our Texas home.) I made Matt sit for a few moments out in the August heat so we could grab this before heading home.

The trip had been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. We had an amazing visit with Oz, Ashley, and my youngest baby, Daniel. We also had some car issues. It all worked out, we thought, but it blew our vacation budget a bit and when we had to say our last teary (me) goodbyes and give my last squeeze to our tank of a grandson, we were ready to just get home.

So Matt and I took our selfie and set out early on Sunday morning. We had an 11 hour drive ahead of us which was fine, I’ve done that on my own, but we were tired. And hot. Anyways.

We made it about 30 miles down the road when the car started acting up again. Shit. Not good. We stopped for Kolaches and some transmission fluid and hoped that we were good to go. It was stressful. Very. I was determined to stay positive, but Matt was stressed. Very. Matt was determined to figure out what was going on with the car. Staying positive really wasn’t on his radar. You know, men really don’t multi-task as good as us girls. Heh.

At our 4th stop, outside Dallas, I’d had it. Not with the car, but with my husband. I walked across the street from a mechanics shop and hit a Super H-E-B for some retail therapy. It worked. I was even so nice that I bought my crabby husband some lunch. Aren’t I sweet??!

We made it 15 minutes down the road and the car started in again. We’re about to hit Dallas traffic, mild since it’s now early Sunday afternoon, but still busy with some spots where pulling off isn’t an option. Okay, we need a new plan. Matt has an Auntie and Uncle in Dallas. They became our new plan. Matt was able to get their number from Mom, he called and left a message for Auntie sharing that we were in the area and limping along the interstate. The calls themselves were fine, necessary. However, the sweet tone of voice Mom and Auntie received versus the snapping and barking at me the previous five hours was it. The final straw. Ever been there? The final straw?

It ain’t pretty. It was un-pretty enough that when he was leaving a message for Auntie, asking if we can park at their house and try to figure out what was going on, I forgot about my goal of not being a raging lunatic and completely lost it. By the time we rolled into their driveway, I wasn’t even talking to Matt. Done. I’d had it. Done. Ever been there? Done?

Ya, we aren’t done. We’re fine. It was a bad deal that was stressful, and we still need to improve how we talk to each other in high stress moments. We’re getting better. But chances are high that one of us will hit that ‘done’ moment again. We’ll still be fine.

It took another three days before we got out of Texas. It was horrible. And by horrible, I mean fantastic. Matt’s Auntie and Uncle took crabby married couple in stride; handed me all the wine and Matt all the bourbon we wanted; ate well; had a pool afternoon; saw an incredible full moon; laughed (after I started talking to Matt again;) and finished our vacation fairly spectacularly. We did NOT need a transmission so spending a bit more money we hadn’t planned was still better than not spending the thousands of dollars we originally thought we’d have to spend.

We made it back home in one piece and decided that drives to Texas were done. At the very least, we’d rent a car and not put the miles on ours. But probably we’ll let Delta get us there and hopefully land upright while doing it.

We went from selfie smiles to a fight in a few short hours. We went from fight back to smiles, but that took a little longer. Hee Hee. I guess if your day is going to turn to shit, I hope it’s a manageable version of shit where smiles are just around the corner. Along with an Auntie & Uncle who spoil you rotten.

It’s not the stress that kills us, it’s our reaction to it. Hans Seyle

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