Leave it to me to not shut up. My blog, my rules. Heh.
First off, to all of you have taken the time to comment, text, private message, call and support BOTH Matt and I right now, thank you. It is unbelievable how many people care and really wanted us to succeed. Overwhelming actually. Thank you.
As you know, I try to keep shit real here. This is real. The last 30 hours have caused a lot of self-reflection. Not right/wrong, but WTF. Then I had an amazing conversation with a friend of mine. Now, V is as opposite to me when dealing with things as we could be. I’m intense, she’s one hair flower wreath removed from Woodstock. And who knows, she could have one of those I just haven’t seen yet. She’s French. I don’t know if that matters. She’s my only French friend. But she had the courage to speak up and tell me what I needed to hear. No, not what I WANTED to hear. Needed. A kick in the arse.
First off, I can be scary. Yup. I probably use that, oops, not probably. I totally use that. Keeps people out. Works magically. I’m intense and that’s me but I needn’t be scary. Scary enough to prevent loved ones to have a real conversation with me. Not good. I need to chill, listen more, forgive more.
Uhhhh, what? Forgive? OF COURSE I FORGIVE, SHUT UP! Or do I? Uh oh. I don’t. I have a list of the Unforgiven a lifetime long. Sure, shit happens and sorry’s were said but did I forgive and move on? Nope. I felt completely justified saying all of these things strung together makes up a whole snowball of crap that can’t be overcome. But then the sorry’s were all for naught. If I haven’t forgiven. And I haven’t, in a lot of cases, but this big one right now has caused a lot of pain. (Now before all of you, “but he has a part in this too” start to speak, ya, I know-he’s busy owning it. I’m talking about me now.)
We’re talking. I’ve forgiven and ya know what? It feels good. Lighter. Happier. No matter what happens here, I’ve learned a valuable lesson about myself.
I’ve often wondered, especially in the last couple of days, why do so many other couples make it? What is so special about them? Honestly? I dunno. But a lot of fingers are pointing at the F word and it ain’t my all time favorite one with four letters. It’s forgiveness. I have a few more calls to make tonight, on asking for some…and giving some. I’m not sure how the calls will go, it’s scary. And maybe in some cases I don’t deserve forgiveness, but I’ll ask anyway.
Thank you. Now I’ll shut up…
…but prolly not. Heh.