As I saw all of the Thanksgiving feast food porn being uploaded last weekend, something clicked in my head about food. We’re extreme. Yup, us. Not them. All those heavy sugar and processed carb eaters, they’re normal. Yams with brown sugar and marshmallow? Normal. Cranberry and jello with whipped cream? Normal.

Normal as in, what’s the big deal to eat like this every day?  Sure, maybe not in mallow and yams fashion, but everything else. Bread; cereal (yes, even the “high protein” Kashi shit); pastries; syruppy yumminess; orange juice; apple juice; soda/coke/pop (whatever your region calls it); pasta (lots of it); rice and beans; meat in sugar sauce (most sauces are sugar, that’s what makes them nummy. Duh); Chips (I still say that if Doritos would just sell the cool ranch salt in a jar I’d never have to eat another chip again in my life); sugary coffee drinks (dudes, if it has 4+ pumps of syrup and whipped cream, stop calling it coffee. Duh);  anything low fat (think chemical shit storm. Please, may I have a big tall glass of chemical shit storm? Thanks so much); sugar…in all forms. Sugar food, sugar drink, sugar candy, sugar veggies, sugar on fruit, sugar sugar sugar. By the way, when is the last time these people actually tasted food?

And we’re extreme. Protein, leaner these days since the Bigg man is losing some weight which is helping him sleep better and keeps him alive since his snoring was forcing me to restrain from reaching for the ASP every time he woke me up. Protein in the morning (just finished my egg and egg white scramble with cheese); protein for snack; protein for lunch (with salad) and protein for dinner. Extreme. One of my favorite comments in the past when describing how we eat (when asked, and even then I hesitate in answering) was, “I’d get tired of eating all that meat.” Huh? Anyways. (By the way, two weeks later of him eating fewer carbs and just paying attention in general to what he’s eating has resulted in over 20 pounds of weight loss and visible abs. Men suck;)

Our carbs come here and there as needed. Nothing silly. Last week while on our roadtrip to Minnesoooota I ate two Hawaiian bread buns cheese sammiches after two pieces of Peanut Butter toast before we left. All that bread left me feeling like crap for two days. Yuck.  As tasty as it is in the moment, I do not appreciate feeling like that. By the time we finally ate dinner that night, I scarfed down an entire plate of fajita meat as if I had just trekked through 80 miles of a sugar desert trying to get to Protein mountain. Ya I know, drama much?

And fat. We heart fat. Olive oil is always within reach while cooking. Butter. We heart butter too. All real food really. Food that’s tasty, but see, we can taste it cuz we’re not handicapped by a sugar palate. When I’m feeling crazy enough for something other than coffee, I pick up a Cinnamon Dolce Latte and here’s where I confuse the poor Barista’s…“half a pump of the cinnamon syrup, no whipped cream, extra shot of espresso.” Which starts this dance, ‘so you want half the amount, two pumps of syrup?’ ‘No. I want half a pump of syrup. See? Half of one pump.’  “Uhhhhhh, just half a pump?” ‘Yes, just half.’ “Ok, and you’d like whipped cream?” ‘No. No whipped cream.’ 

Every. Time. Which is why I only have it in me to brave it a couple times each winter. By the time we’re done with this dance I’m too tired to remind them about the extra shot of espresso. Poor me.

And we’re extreme. It really struck me last weekend that folks view our eating as extreme. This reality baffles me but I have to admit that in all likelihood, our holding on to this diet baffles those around US. After all, the US food pyramid has said all these years that we should eat lots of carbs and then the “food” makers make us all these delicious boxed treats. They wouldn’t lie would they? My weight watchers nutritional “expert” said I can eat whatever I want as long as I keep it in my “points” range. They can’t be wrong, it’s working! No dear, it’s working because you’re actually watching the amount of calories you’re eating. The fact that they continue to advise that it’s ok to shit within a range of “points” means they actually have no understanding of what the carbs and sugar do to you systemically. They are a money making business, see? They make money off fat people and as you Yo Yo with them year after year while paying them, they win. Cuz the only thing they taught you is to decrease your calories so when you stop doing that, you gain weight again. I hate WW. A lot.

Anyways.

We’re extreme. Us. And we’ll keep it that way. I’ll hold on to this diet as strongly as people who eat crap will hold on to theirs. It’s the food religion. Who’s right? Who’s wrong?

I dunno. But I’m strong. I win.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

Orson Welles

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