If you didn’t get to build cereal box forts at breakfast as a kid, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for my kids, by the time we got out of the “shut you up with Honey Nut Cheerios” stage we were done with cereal in general. My favorite cereal box fort would consist of Cookie Crisp, Golden Grahams, and Boo Berry. Occasionally my mom would try to throw that “healthy” Grape Nut crap in there but after sitting for months and months, she realized it was a no go. OH! By “healthy” I mean it was marketed to be a healthy cereal option but actually carried 45g of carbs in it. Uhhhh, Boo Berry has 29g of carbs in it so it’s actually MORE healthy than Grape Nuts. Score one for the monster cereal.

According to a post by Marion Nestle (her blog, Food Politics, is the shit), the top 10 breakfast cereals generated close to 3 billion dollars in revenue. And Kellogg’s is the Don of all things breakfast cereal. Sugar, mmmmmmmm. Nummy. They even have the rights to Superman’s super powers and are giving it away here, all you have to do is keep buying their product. A Pop-Tart AND super powers? That’s a helluva breakfast!

When having a conversation a couple of months ago with a family member, they made the comment that a doctor had told another family member to eat healthier cereals. My immediate comment, “That doesn’t exist. A doctor should know that.” No, what they meant was like a Kashi cereal. Lots of whole grains, healthy. FOK! Did you know they actually have the balls to label one of their flavors…

Kashi® Indigo Morning™ Organic Corn Cereal.

Seriously? And there are still Americans stupid enough to buy it? Ya know what’s awesome? They lead off the nutrition facts that one serving has 22g of whole grains (48g or more of whole grains recommended daily.) Recommended by who? Mr.and Mrs. Kashi? Ya know what else is cute, they separate the sugar and whole grains…as if you can. Oh wait wait wait, back up. Corn? Seriously? Corn. But but but, the relative told us, Kashi is high in protein. Okayyyyyyy, let’s see…

The Kashi golean crap has 13g of protein. Wow, almost the amount of protein as two eggs. It also has 35g of carbs, oops, it beats out eggs there. You’re right, it’s soooo much healthier than “regular” cereal. And this is what the doctor said you should be eating? Does he also suggest Quinoa as a healthy alternative to rice? Uhhhhh, fire him, he sucks. By the way, I just had two brats and three eggs for breakfast. Why would anyone choose cardboard in milk instead of brats and eggs? Whyyyyyy?!

Look, if you want to eat cereal for breakfast, just own it. It’s delicious, there’s a reason why we don’t have it around the house. But if you’re going to eat it, stop trying to pretend you have a healthy box of it in your home. You don’t. Cereal is not healthy. You can picture yourself eating a bowl of Kashi crap on the top of a mountain with a pit fire going and the sun coming up but really, a bowl of Boo Berry is just as good and you still get the pit fire as the sun is coming up. And Boo Berry,  you get Boo Berry.

Many a small things has been made large by the right kind of advertising. 

Mark Twain

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