Or, ‘We want you out of here as much as you don’t want to be here.’

Years and years ago I was expecting two house guests. It was a highly emotional time in our lives and I was still a divorced mom of three, two of whom were busy with various activities. But we had a certain window of time that the visit could happen and so we prepared for a visit. I had been meaning to revamp my room for quite some time and this seemed like a perfect reason to do so.

Tearing off wall paper, power cleaning the entire house including the kids’ bedrooms all on a shoestring budget and the days were ticking by quicker than what was helpful. A week out I was finally ready to paint and kept going through the nights to get it all done. Sleep deprived, a bit stressed, and still running things on the home front I was so happy when it was done. I had my new room, which I handed over to my guests and did everything I could to make it warm and welcome for them. They had requested certain foods to have for breakfast so I stocked the fridge with their items. The kids were excited for company and we were ready.

Upon entering the house, the wife immediately started complaining about the paint smell. Uh oh, cuz it’s coming from  your room and it’s about to be worse. No worries, we can get a couple of fans going because luckily we had some pretty nice fall Minnesota weather. The room was too small, the kitchen was too narrow, why did I organize my cupboards like I did, why was I doing dishes the way I was, I was cooking eggs wrong, I bought the wrong kind of hazelnut creamer, really-was there a bigger room they could have so they’d have more room to move around? I said yes, the living room, have at it.

It was a disaster. I was completely stressed and already sleep deprived. The kids were stressed when they saw how stressed I was and the entire visit was a complete shit show. Though there were fun times here and there, there were always undercurrents of disapproval and complaints. The morning I drove them back to the airport was the best day ever. Knowing that I’d have my house back to ourselves was such a relief I couldn’t hide my excitement. As if I’d try.

See, they were bad guests. Now, I would LOVE to have offered them their own en suite bedroom. I would have LOVED to offer them a chef’s kitchen with plenty of toys and gadgets (or at least a dishwasher) with a double door stainless steel’d full fridge to store all of their goodies. Really, I do wish I could have offered better. But know this, what I offered, I did with love. It is always my hope that folks who come to our home know we want them there. We don’t have the best and some of what we currently have is in need of quite a facelift, but you’ll be welcomed here. You’ll probably get some sort of tasty meat and booze and maybe a Hello Kitty toothbrush in case you’ve forgotten your own (true story.) It won’t be the grandest, but we’ll do our best to make it comfortable.

But you? You bad guests who walk into someone else’s turf who have spent time and money trying to make it a nice stay and when they’ve failed, relentlessly rip apart your hosts. Bad guests. Which brings us to Sochi. Now, I don’t care who you are, the pictures coming out of Sochi last week were hilarious. The bitching that ensued was just as LOL. CNN reporters complaining they don’t have the rooms they’re supposed to. Heyyyyyy CNN, fok off. See, we’re here to watch Olympians, not you.

But the NBC crew has stepped it up a “one large leap for mankind” notch with their incessant bitching. Out of an entire amazing opening show, one thing didn’t go as planned. Thanks gawd cuz now Matt and Merideth had something to complain about all night. The torch lighting? Best since Muhammad Ali…but I’m a goalie mom so watching Tretiak take a longer jog at 61 than I could today smiling the whole way made me very happy. The crew was dismissive about the Russian history lesson we got to enjoy and at some points had “no clue” what was going on. Really? No clue? Even though your press packet was sure to GIVE you a clue. Dicks.

The commentating on the ice (skating) front hasn’t been any better. Not giving the Russians respect (even though they won the Team competition) went to an all time low when they dubbed one ice dancing pair, “The JV team.” Hey assholes, they just kicked ass on their home turf in the Olympics. The JV team is what you were on in high school, see the difference? Even though the Americans were on the podium, we still didn’t get to see the medal ceremony live cuz, ya know, keep playing that Russian national anthem that really is kick ass and we’ll, oh I dunno, like it better than ours? But probably not so just go ahead and show us.

NBC has increasingly become the White House’s little tattletales and I give them props for not even trying to hide it anymore. But dismissing and slamming every aspect of this Olympics cuz your President hates Putin and he told you to seems so, oh I dunno, Russian. Irony.

At the end of the day, the athletes are what matters. The venues they’re competing in. How are they? Beautiful. Stunning. State of the art. But we don’t get to hear about that from NBC, cuz then they’d have to admit that this Olympics isn’t a dismal failure. Mark my words, at some point during the closing ceremony, Matt Lauer will use some type of “ya know, even with some of the highlights, we can’t help feeling disappointed in the overall event” line to solidify his bitch status. Srsly, wait for it.

Bad guests. Embarrassing. No wonder we’re labeled “fucking Americans” everywhere we go in Europe. But not me and Bigg. They love him cuz, well, who doesn’t and they love me cuz I bring prizes. Good guests.

Anyone who doesn’t regret the passing of the Soviet Union has to heart. Anyone who wants it restored has no brains.

Vladimir Putin

Training Log