The Facebook and Twitts. Where we can keep current on daily activities of our friends, our enemies, people we admire, or people we don’t know but I guess wanted to know me cuz I got a random friend request by some dude in Chile but what the hell the more people I’m friends with the more popular I am.
I love it. It is a constant source of entertainment or aggravation. There are many folks I’ve had to “unfollow.” Unfollow. Did you ever think, as a child in the 70s that you would actually use the word “unfollow” and instantly everyone would know what an annoying attention whore that person is just because of the word “unfollow?” SRSLY. How about “block.” Ooooooo, that’s bad. Or the worst? UNFRIEND. That’s deep. To “unfriend” someone is the kiss of death. If I remember correctly, we only had an ‘unfriend’ option before the ‘unfollow’ option appeared. So even the Facebook recognized that to ‘unfriend’ a peep was too much for our politically pussified nation. We actually have conversations and use these words. Yup, me too.
I just looked at my FB page, I have 974 “friends.” I ‘follow’ about 20. That means I have 954 people in my cyber life that I’m not up to date with on their daily activities. I’m a bad friend. At one point I had about 1500 friends but “cleaned house” (another FB term.) How to clean house? Easy. There are a few criteria that will get you the boot from my FB friend’s list…
1. I don’t care if you’re going grocery shopping. True story. It amazes me how often I see people post, “Going to the grocery store to pick up the apples I forgot yesterday. FML.” No, fMl that I just read that. How about, “Busy day, need to bring the car in for new brakes and run to the grocery store.” No. That’s two errands. Not busy. If that’s busy, your life is boring. Goodbye. Basically, I don’t care if you have to run an errand. Stop posting that shit. Show me your dog. Or your food. Or your ugly squats. ANYTHING. But don’t tell me you’re running errands. Everyone runs errands. Run yours and STFU. Or goodbye.
2. I don’t believe you when you say someone in your gym just went BEASTMODE. First off, shut up. No one serious uses that word. Second off, NO THEY DIDN’T! (Yes, I just yelled that, scared the dogs.) I’ve been around the strongest men in the world and some of the strongest women (no, I’m not bragging, it’s an honor and I’ve already stated as such.) Anyways. When they upload a video, it’s impressive. Even if it’s a shirtless ping pong match. Impressive. Add some ranger panties and you’ve got yourself a shared video. True story. But your video of too skinny shirtless boys (they lack the testosterone to be called men) of some kettlebell swings and 100kg high squats are not impressive. Stop feeding them the line that it is. It is not beastmode, it’s attention whoring. Where’s THAT status update: “Here is my latest attempt at attention whoring, please to enjoy.” You’d get my respect. I might even keep you around for a little while to see what else you’ll come up with. Yes, we celebrate PR’s. Sure. Always. But a person who’s been in the gym for 4 weeks isn’t celebrating a PR, they’re learning and getting stronger. A good start, but not a PR. Gawd, if you have a coach who doesn’t understand that, I feel sorry for you. But you’re still not followable. Goodbye.
3. College students. I don’t care if you have finals. I don’t care if you have a test. You’re in college. Unless you’re a single working parent going to school in your 8 minutes of spare time and kicking ass, I don’t care. Shut up. To complain about a final and then post a “post final” beer guzzling picture means you just publicly complained about having to prepare for an hour’s worth of work. Hey, ya know what? You’re months away from having your own bills, a 60 hour work week and STILL not being able to afford anything. It’s called real life. You’re not in it right now. Real life is so unpleasant at times that college kids who’ve tried it run back to the dorms to avoid it. Know what we call college students who took over 12 years to get a degree? Doctors. If you’re not one of those, then mommy needs to wean you off her checkbook titty and boot your ass out. True story.
4. PDA. No, not the huggy/kissy cutie couple pics, those are fun (COUGH*Loz&Liz*COUGH.) They show us that our friends are happy. That’s happy. I like that. The Public Display’s of Affection I’m talking about are the comments and posts on others pages where they declare love or support, but don’t actually do anything in real life. Happens all the time on my daughter’s page. Annoys the ever living out of me. If she posts anything about even a little unhappiness, she gets posts from estranged family members saying how much she’s loved. Oh really? You post on Facebook where others can see but won’t drive the 12 miles to go help? F off. SRSLY. Some of the most insincere people on the planet are on the Facebook. You’re recognizable. Go away.
And last but certainly not least?
5. Job. Ya know, the dude in the bible who’s life had tons of drama. Yes, I get where it’s a good story to show your loyalty and commitment to your belief. Sure. But that’s Old Testament stuff. If you’re lucky enough to own a computer that has the Facebook, you’re not Job. Stop with the daily drama. Xrst, if your life is so gawdawful horrible, stay off the computer and engage in a new reality. Facebook has given them the perfect avenue to display their garage sized shit. They get others to latch on to them and get carried away with their drama cuz then we’re such good friends. It’s bizzarro world. Yes, we go through things AT TIMES. Tragedy strikes and the quick FB message or hug CAN be warm. But if you’re going through something every day or week and feel the need to post on it to gain sympathy or envelop others in your drama, you’re high school. As I’ve stated before, I hated high school. I sure as hell don’t want it at 47. See ya.
Other than that, I love the FB. Dog pics; funny meme’s; cool food; friend’s updates in faraway lands; competition updates; awesome training vid’s, etc. If all you do is take quiz after quiz of what you’d be if you weren’t you and comic books are real? Turn off your computer and go have a conversation with a stranger. You’ve just become your computers best friend and guess what, it won’t love you back. It doesn’t know how. You’re not really Wonder Woman, or Gandolf, or a Wolf. You’re you. Sorry.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.