Monday Bacon: No, Cupcakes Won’t Make You Bulky…

…they’ll make you fat. Duh.

I am so tired of the glib phrase, ‘Training with weights won’t make you bulky ladies, but cupcakes will.’  At least not in the way we believe women are picturing. Of course our assumption is that silly women who believe that picking up a barbell will Evil Minion morph them into this…

Like, overnight. This belief that women are so incredibly stupid that they are unable to understand that to look like this woman, tons of hours in the gym and tons of drugs will be necessary. Cuz women are SO stoooopid! So we dumb things down for them and give them a dismissive, “You’re too stupid for me to teach you the fact that simple weight training will be good for you and I’ll tell you over time how so I’ll treat you like the silly person you are who obviously is only worth my sarcasm since training with weights is scary for you and I’m an expert weight trainer.” 

Hey, anyone who’s said this? Please think about it.  But not from your point of view, cuz there’s others out there YO!

Two points on this: first off, what is bulky? Bulk can be defined as large and fat or muscular. Well, ok. Then yes, cupcakes will make you bulky. Like, the fat part. But not the muscular part so why are we even bringing cake or cupcakes into the conversation?  We’re talking about weight training, not diet. We WHill be talking about diet soon and if cupcakes are considered a daily dietary need in your house, we’ll be fixing that. But that’s not what we’re saying here. We want you to lift a barbell and put it back down. It will make you stronger. Period. Stronger feeling is always better than weaker feeling. Even for the untrained. If your crappy diet has you in constant inflammation, you’re picking up little cold or “flu” like bugs every other week and feel like crap on a regular basis, how do you feel once the bug has passed? Better? Stronger? More able to accomplish necessary tasks? Like going to the grocery store for more crap food? There ya go. You’re stronger. You know that feels better. You know you’re better able to do what needs to be done each day. Stronger. Better. Now think of how good you can feel if you actually trained to feel stronger and better each day and then as we go along, we’ll tweak that diet so that you’re fueling your body in ways it will run better for you and suddenly you’ll forget why you ever thought it was fun to feel like garbage. Weight training will do that. But not overnight. So we’ll start with an empty, lightweight bar and you won’t even realize you’ve suddenly just squatted 40kg for three sets of five after a few weeks but you WHill realize how good you feel. That’s what we want for you. Stronger. Bulk won’t even occur to you anymore so we don’t need to bring it up. See? Experienced trainers and strength coaches know this. So they don’t need to be glib and demeaning to you in the meantime.

Second, and sometimes most important, getting off the easy machines and cardio equipment can be scary. Yup. Scary. Why? Cuz they watch experienced lifters day after day who are lifting more weight than these women think they ever could and they’d just embarrass themselves trying. Us. We’re doing that. No, we’re not doing it intentionally. Obviously. But we’ve been doing this for so long that it’s like breathing. And sometimes we act better than them. Yup, we do. You do, and you do, and YOU! Each person who’s ever uttered this redunkulous statement does. We’re SOOOOO above these silly cardio queens and their silly elliptical cuz we train with barbells. Yup. I see it every single day on the social media scene. When I do train at a commercial gym, I put my music in; my head down; and train. That’s my way of shutting out not just the cardio queens, but usually more of the silly boys who need to get louder and louder to get the girls attention. We’ve completely ignored OUR beginnings and silly mistakes we made along the way and behave as if they never happened. Weight training is scary. There’s a lot of self esteem mixed up in there and to dismiss it with some jock strap snapping dick statement is, well, dick. Don’t be dick.

Be empathetic. Ya know, put yourselves in someone else’s shoes. Try to remember the first time you unloaded the bar from one side first so it went flying. That stupid feeling, remember that. Then go and make weights less scary for those you want to life them. I suspect that that’s the hard part. We need to lie, bargain, and coerce to get people to lift weights. That’s hard. It’s much easier to make THEM feel like a silly person and not be respectful just cuz we don’t know how to get a barbell in their hands.

So, cupcakes won’t make you bulky ladies, at least not in the way strength trainers assume you’re picturing. But strength trainers may make you feel  stupid. If that happens, fire them. They’ll feel vindicated that you really didn’t want to work hard but you’ll find a strength trainer who will be patient and the meathead you just canned will still be a meathead. You win.

Talk about stupid…

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

Al Gore

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Friday Jams: Lessons from The Captain & Tennille

There are a few lessons we can take away from the split of The Captain (did you know his last name is Dragon?) and Tennille.

The obvious: Love doesn’t necessarily keep us together. We know this by now. It is an unrealistic romantic notion that has no business to be expected in life. If you truly believe, in this day and age, that love alone will keep your relationship alive (please tell me you’re out of the 3rd month) you won’t make it. Love is a feeling. So is anger; hatred; joy; defined as: ‘an emotional state or reaction.’ Uh oh, a “state” or “reaction” is constantly changing. Can your relationship keep up? That’s not going to depend on love darling, it’ll depend on commitment.

Now there’s a whole bunch of commit phobes out there. I know, I was President of the club. Couple that with Bigg’s “all you need is love” fairy tale expectations where follow up isn’t required and it’s no wonder two worlds collided and almost crashed and burned. We had to both grow up and get real. It worked, but we almost let it go and that’s scary. You need commitment, to stay even when it sucks. Cuz guess what YO!? It’ll suck at some point. You need respect. You need to be present in your relationship. You need to apologize for taking it for granted because chances are,  you’ll take it for granted at some point. You need to share something, anything. A passion, a hobby, a conversation, a toothbrush (not really, that’s gross.) Share. Keeping your partner out will destroy. If you don’t know how to share, go get help. It’s out there. Those of you who think counselors are a waste of time don’t want to see deeper in yourself. Your choice, but to take down a relationship with the ship is a waste. A shame and a waste.

Another lesson is to remember that what you see is not always what is going on. Even the Captain was taken by surprise when Tennille filed for divorce. What? Uhhhhh, you’ve been there right? Have you been present in the relationship? It’s easy to go on standard mode, schedules are fixed, work is a priority, assuming your partner will always be there is a mistake. Look, if you no longer want to invest the time into your partner, believe me, they’ll find someone who will. And you don’t get to act hurt when it happens. Well, you can act betrayed, but not hurt. This was built, by both of you. Someone didn’t say (or yell) ‘Hey! I NEED. Something different than what I’m getting.’ And the other one said, “____.” Ouch.  Open up. Listen. Adjust. Relationships are fluid, move together.

Lastly, the good news. There are rumors out there that this particular divorce may be necessary for The Captain to obtain his own health insurance which has drained Tenille’s due to his Parkinson’s care. Hope. Each relationship carries it’s own box of hope. That doesn’t mean we sit back and hope it gets better, it means we turn hope into a verb. Make it so. Nothing happens if you don’t make it so.

Onto the music, Do that to me one more time, Captain & Tennille.

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

William Shakespeare 

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Gold Medal

Well it’s that time of time again. Time to give our nod to the best uniforms of the Olympics. Look, I know I’m partial to the Maple Leaf (the actual leaf, not the hockey team) but they’ve been kicking booty so far. Charles Hamelin not only won gold in the Men’s 1500m speed skating event, he also has won Gold for his uniform. Kickin!!!

Like a good cowbell, we just can’t have too much Maple Leaf. The curling team (I really try every four years to understand curling and it never happens. Now I live in Curling land so I should probably learn) takes a close second to their speed skaters.

By far, the Norwegian curlers show themselves to be serious athletes with no time for fun…

 I want to party with these guys.

Figure skating is a shoo in most years cuz their shirts are sparkly and the skirts go swooosh as they turn. That’s kinda fun. But the Russian pair, with help from their actual skating, made you believe they were actually waltzing with the Romanov’s…pre-mass murder.

I’ve been unimpressed with the USA uniforms thus far and their rediculous ugly Christmas sweater thingy as they marched during opening ceremony was embarrassing. See, other countries actually took this seriously. Ugly Xmas sweater is what you wear once a year for FB pictures and a good drunken ugly xmas sweater party. Then you put it away for next year or pay it forward and hit up Ragstock again. They don’t even get a picture here, if you missed it, google it.

Whoever dressed the Russian athletes has the right idea,

One more Maple Leaf…

I mean COME ON!!! Someone up there in the great white north figured out how to showcase their pride with each sport. ‘Merika?

Did they open up an elementary school contest to dress their athletes? Cuz if so, that’s kind of cool and totally explains why their uniforms are as snore as snore can be. If an 8 year old won a visit by an Olympian and a check to Chuck E Cheese for their winning design then I’m behind it. If it was an adult, well then, ick. Fail.

By far my most favorite is this…

The Russian designs on their uniforms and warm up leisure suits are boss. I really want a Russian logo’d leisure suit. Cuz why not?

Arrogance is in everything I do. It is in my gestures, the harshness of my voice, in the glow of my gaze, in my sinewy, tormented face.

Coco Chanel

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Liking Tragedy

Ok peeps, it’s time to get on the same page here. The FB has been around for a while and we’ve all become adept at sharing our food, our dogs, or cats, and our rants. We know how to ‘facebook officially’ break up and make up (or maybe that’s just us:/) and join (and unjoin) groups. We let the FB make us a movie and relived some fun moments of our FB past and then figured out how to share them. Admit it, we love the FB (most, I know two people who don’t Facebook. How do they live?)

But seriously, why cannot we not figure out the age old question: DO WE ‘LIKE’ SOMEONE’S SAD FACEBOOK POST? 

Do I “LIKE” that your dog died? No, of course not. But I don’t want to comment because then I get notifications when the rest of the world does that and it’s a pain in the ass. Do I “LIKE” that someone you know and is a legend in sport dies or is struck with disease? No, of course not. But a quick flip of the keyboard and I can let you know that even though I didn’t or don’t know them, I’m sending them good thoughts through the universe. And, oh by the way, for those of you who don’t believe that being on the receiving end of good thoughts sent your way is a comforting thing? I feel bad for you. There are times where good thoughts, wishes, vibes, etc. are all that holds us up on our feet.

So yes, I  will “LIKE” your tragedy. Not because I’m happy that you’re going through it, but because a quick wish of strength and peace sent your way means something to me and I believe it will be received as such. It’s the one thing on FB that’s special, a connection. Well, the food porn pics are pretty cool too but not the same thing. Heh.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Shirley Temple

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