Monday Bacon: Bad Guests

Posted on February 10, 2014 by tosabarbell

Or, ‘We want you out of here as much as you don’t want to be here.’

Years and years ago I was expecting two house guests. It was a highly emotional time in our lives and I was still a divorced mom of three, two of whom were busy with various activities. But we had a certain window of time that the visit could happen and so we prepared for a visit. I had been meaning to revamp my room for quite some time and this seemed like a perfect reason to do so.

Tearing off wall paper, power cleaning the entire house including the kids’ bedrooms all on a shoestring budget and the days were ticking by quicker than what was helpful. A week out I was finally ready to paint and kept going through the nights to get it all done. Sleep deprived, a bit stressed, and still running things on the home front I was so happy when it was done. I had my new room, which I handed over to my guests and did everything I could to make it warm and welcome for them. They had requested certain foods to have for breakfast so I stocked the fridge with their items. The kids were excited for company and we were ready.

Upon entering the house, the wife immediately started complaining about the paint smell. Uh oh, cuz it’s coming from  your room and it’s about to be worse. No worries, we can get a couple of fans going because luckily we had some pretty nice fall Minnesota weather. The room was too small, the kitchen was too narrow, why did I organize my cupboards like I did, why was I doing dishes the way I was, I was cooking eggs wrong, I bought the wrong kind of hazelnut creamer, really-was there a bigger room they could have so they’d have more room to move around? I said yes, the living room, have at it.

It was a disaster. I was completely stressed and already sleep deprived. The kids were stressed when they saw how stressed I was and the entire visit was a complete shit show. Though there were fun times here and there, there were always undercurrents of disapproval and complaints. The morning I drove them back to the airport was the best day ever. Knowing that I’d have my house back to ourselves was such a relief I couldn’t hide my excitement. As if I’d try.

See, they were bad guests. Now, I would LOVE to have offered them their own en suite bedroom. I would have LOVED to offer them a chef’s kitchen with plenty of toys and gadgets (or at least a dishwasher) with a double door stainless steel’d full fridge to store all of their goodies. Really, I do wish I could have offered better. But know this, what I offered, I did with love. It is always my hope that folks who come to our home know we want them there. We don’t have the best and some of what we currently have is in need of quite a facelift, but you’ll be welcomed here. You’ll probably get some sort of tasty meat and booze and maybe a Hello Kitty toothbrush in case you’ve forgotten your own (true story.) It won’t be the grandest, but we’ll do our best to make it comfortable.

But you? You bad guests who walk into someone else’s turf who have spent time and money trying to make it a nice stay and when they’ve failed, relentlessly rip apart your hosts. Bad guests. Which brings us to Sochi. Now, I don’t care who you are, the pictures coming out of Sochi last week were hilarious. The bitching that ensued was just as LOL. CNN reporters complaining they don’t have the rooms they’re supposed to. Heyyyyyy CNN, fok off. See, we’re here to watch Olympians, not you.

But the NBC crew has stepped it up a “one large leap for mankind” notch with their incessant bitching. Out of an entire amazing opening show, one thing didn’t go as planned. Thanks gawd cuz now Matt and Merideth had something to complain about all night. The torch lighting? Best since Muhammad Ali…but I’m a goalie mom so watching Tretiak take a longer jog at 61 than I could today smiling the whole way made me very happy. The crew was dismissive about the Russian history lesson we got to enjoy and at some points had “no clue” what was going on. Really? No clue? Even though your press packet was sure to GIVE you a clue. Dicks.

The commentating on the ice (skating) front hasn’t been any better. Not giving the Russians respect (even though they won the Team competition) went to an all time low when they dubbed one ice dancing pair, “The JV team.” Hey assholes, they just kicked ass on their home turf in the Olympics. The JV team is what you were on in high school, see the difference? Even though the Americans were on the podium, we still didn’t get to see the medal ceremony live cuz, ya know, keep playing that Russian national anthem that really is kick ass and we’ll, oh I dunno, like it better than ours? But probably not so just go ahead and show us.

NBC has increasingly become the White House’s little tattletales and I give them props for not even trying to hide it anymore. But dismissing and slamming every aspect of this Olympics cuz your President hates Putin and he told you to seems so, oh I dunno, Russian. Irony.

At the end of the day, the athletes are what matters. The venues they’re competing in. How are they? Beautiful. Stunning. State of the art. But we don’t get to hear about that from NBC, cuz then they’d have to admit that this Olympics isn’t a dismal failure. Mark my words, at some point during the closing ceremony, Matt Lauer will use some type of “ya know, even with some of the highlights, we can’t help feeling disappointed in the overall event” line to solidify his bitch status. Srsly, wait for it.

Bad guests. Embarrassing. No wonder we’re labeled “fucking Americans” everywhere we go in Europe. But not me and Bigg. They love him cuz, well, who doesn’t and they love me cuz I bring prizes. Good guests.

Anyone who doesn’t regret the passing of the Soviet Union has to heart. Anyone who wants it restored has no brains.

Vladimir Putin

Training Log

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Kashi Myth

Posted on February 6, 2014 by tosabarbell

If you didn’t get to build cereal box forts at breakfast as a kid, I feel bad for you. I feel bad for my kids, by the time we got out of the “shut you up with Honey Nut Cheerios” stage we were done with cereal in general. My favorite cereal box fort would consist of Cookie Crisp, Golden Grahams, and Boo Berry. Occasionally my mom would try to throw that “healthy” Grape Nut crap in there but after sitting for months and months, she realized it was a no go. OH! By “healthy” I mean it was marketed to be a healthy cereal option but actually carried 45g of carbs in it. Uhhhh, Boo Berry has 29g of carbs in it so it’s actually MORE healthy than Grape Nuts. Score one for the monster cereal.

According to a post by Marion Nestle (her blog, Food Politics, is the shit), the top 10 breakfast cereals generated close to 3 billion dollars in revenue. And Kellogg’s is the Don of all things breakfast cereal. Sugar, mmmmmmmm. Nummy. They even have the rights to Superman’s super powers and are giving it away here, all you have to do is keep buying their product. A Pop-Tart AND super powers? That’s a helluva breakfast!

When having a conversation a couple of months ago with a family member, they made the comment that a doctor had told another family member to eat healthier cereals. My immediate comment, “That doesn’t exist. A doctor should know that.” No, what they meant was like a Kashi cereal. Lots of whole grains, healthy. FOK! Did you know they actually have the balls to label one of their flavors…

Kashi® Indigo Morning™ Organic Corn Cereal.

Seriously? And there are still Americans stupid enough to buy it? Ya know what’s awesome? They lead off the nutrition facts that one serving has 22g of whole grains (48g or more of whole grains recommended daily.) Recommended by who? Mr.and Mrs. Kashi? Ya know what else is cute, they separate the sugar and whole grains…as if you can. Oh wait wait wait, back up. Corn? Seriously? Corn. But but but, the relative told us, Kashi is high in protein. Okayyyyyyy, let’s see…

The Kashi golean crap has 13g of protein. Wow, almost the amount of protein as two eggs. It also has 35g of carbs, oops, it beats out eggs there. You’re right, it’s soooo much healthier than “regular” cereal. And this is what the doctor said you should be eating? Does he also suggest Quinoa as a healthy alternative to rice? Uhhhhh, fire him, he sucks. By the way, I just had two brats and three eggs for breakfast. Why would anyone choose cardboard in milk instead of brats and eggs? Whyyyyyy?!

Look, if you want to eat cereal for breakfast, just own it. It’s delicious, there’s a reason why we don’t have it around the house. But if you’re going to eat it, stop trying to pretend you have a healthy box of it in your home. You don’t. Cereal is not healthy. You can picture yourself eating a bowl of Kashi crap on the top of a mountain with a pit fire going and the sun coming up but really, a bowl of Boo Berry is just as good and you still get the pit fire as the sun is coming up. And Boo Berry,  you get Boo Berry.

Many a small things has been made large by the right kind of advertising. 

Mark Twain

Training Log

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Table Prayer

Posted on February 5, 2014 by tosabarbell

Growing up in Minnesota, it is likely that this picture by photographer Eric Enstrom  taken in 1918, was hanging somewhere near the kitchen of most Scandinavian homes. I remember specifically looking up to our version of the painting during our table prayers and wondering if I was doing it as well as the old man.

In the event that this picture was NOT present, it is likely this one was…

This picture represents comfort and consistency for me. I adore it and will be looking for a good version for our home when I get to Scandinavia one of these days with Bigg.

The basic, Lutheran style table prayer though is the Doxology. ‘Be present at our table Lord…’ Now, the good thing was that in most cases when this was sung, a potluck was about to follow. Gawds I love the church potluck dinners. Every hotdish imaginable PLUS an entire table of desserts! Seriously. And Lutheran’s love their Potlucks. We’d potluck for just about any kickoff or celebration and it made this little fat kid so very happy. In our old Brooklyn Center days, the church was big enough that they built a huge friendship center and when the potlucks got moved from the old fellowship hall they got even bigger. Giddyup.

But before we ate, we sang the Doxology. Well not me cuz I have a horrible voice. But it wasn’t quite as bad as my Dad’s and he’d be up there belting it out. Yowzer. (Side note, I remember many times during Sunday services when my Ma would hot step it up to the front to motion to Dad to turn his mic off during the singing. Heeehee.) I don’t remember all of the words exactly but I do remember it starts off, Be present at our table Lord… 

Be present. Wow, that’s a pretty good message for us . How present are we these days between our smart phones; our ipads; our televisions; our nook games. Really. How often are we present in the moment of what we’re doing? Spending time in Brooklyn with Paulie and AoD really made me think of it. They are rarely on their phones. Oh they’re handy enough so that when I’d text over that we’re on our way they’d respond right away but it was rare when those phones are out. Whereas it’s common for me and Bigg to be accessing our phones throughout an entire 40 minute dinner. 40 minutes. Seriously. We can’t put it down long enough to engage in each other? It makes me crazy. Crazy enough that the new rule is phones away at the table. I keep mine out in the event that kids need me but getting on it is not allowed. Can we live without the Facebook for an hour?

Seriously. A few weeks ago, we went and had a beautiful Italian meal, stayed engaged the whole time and had a wonderful time but my stop to the powder room gave Bigg the chance to get the phone out and check the FB. Fok! Enough! It was a total buzzkill. Can we not, oh I dunno, OBSERVE our surroundings for a few minutes without getting online? When is the last time you observed your surroundings? There is NOTHING happening on the FB that’s more important than connecting with people who are next to you.

Nothing. BE PRESENT.

Put away the phones. Parent’s get a slight pass in the event they need to be accessible. So you get it out and put it on the table but you don’t jump on it the first moment there’s a lull in the conversation. Show your kids how to be present. There’s even commercials on the tele now where parents bribe their children to engage with some type of shitty food. Well ok, if the only way you can get your kids off the phone is to feed them KFC, congratulations. You’re raising another  yet another teenager who can’t hold a 2 minute conversation with anyone and who craves shitty food. Yippee.

Get comfortable with being still. Quiet. Shut out the noise. Be present.

I dare ya.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Buddha

Training Log

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m So Vain, I Probably Think This Blog Is About Me!

Posted on February 4, 2014 by tosabarbell

Mason Cooley wrote, “Vanity well fed is benevolent. Vanity hungry is spiteful.” Is Vanity taken as a whole a bad thing? There are many of us who commit to training and eating right for various reasons, but if we said that looking good wasn’t one of them, well I’d call bullshit on that. The trouble comes when we try to define “looking good.”

Does a figure competitor look good? I think she looks hungry and malnourished, that’s not good. Does an ultra-marathon runner look good? Gawds no, they look one step into a shallow grave. Does my Bigg Strongman and his Strongman pals look good, of course, but to others they look like big, fat guys who get to stay big and fat just cuz they’re called Strongman. Do I look good? I dunno. I’m bigger and bulkier after cycles of 10×10, 5×10, etc. than I have been before. But I have specific goals that I want my body to perform. To do that, I’m trying to get as physically prepared as I can for a 6 month season that starts in approximately 28 days. But do I want to look good? Uhhhhh, ya. Why would I bitch and moan so much about proper diet if all I wanted to do was be big, strong, AND fat. Of course I want to look good AND do well this year. So is my vanity benevolent, or spiteful?

What if I didn’t have these goals? Then what? What would drive me to hit the gym and watch my food. Well, I can say nearly 6-7 years ago it was just to look and feel better. I was a fat. I ate unchecked and drank too much beer with a “friend” that was happy to do the same. Although she and I had tons of fun while the girls played hockey, we were horribly unhealthy and not very pretty either. This is where the magic of CrossFit comes in. You can read a workout, do it, and test your times against all others posting. After some time, you get a feel of your “competition” that is, those in your age/weight range that is an apples to apples comparison. This worked for me for some time, maybe a year and a half until I finally thought to myself, “Now what?” That was about the time I took a CrossFit Barbell cert and met Rip and Stef and took that path.

I was lucky. An avenue opened up for me through strength training and weightlifting. It gave me a renewed focus and frankly let me heal up some issues that had been nagging me after doing CF for an extended period of time. I had expert coaching and learned how to be a damn fine one at the same time. And through it all, I still wanted to look good. Which, by the way, gets harder and harder for me each year north of 40. Poor me.

With age also comes clarity. Vanity + Clarity=a happy Juli. Yes, I’m vain in my ways. I want to look my best but I also want to BE my best. Not THE BEST, just MY BEST. Which means I’ll do nearly everything I can possibly to do be strong, and conditioned, and avoid inflammation, and still try to look good. But I’ll also recognize that sometimes shit just happens and if I carry some fat here and there on my strong bod, I’ll let it go for now. At some point, we can talk about backing off of heavy training and upping the conditioning and losing a good 20 pounds or just go and get some lipo (srsly.) Or both.

Ironically (and I hope she doesn’t mind me bringer her into this) a dear friend had a post on her the FB about ‘following your bliss.’ I interpret that to mean, are we on a specific path where work is needed to make things happen to achieve a specific goal? Well, ya. I train. I eat well most of the time, better than 90% of the other 46 year old ‘Merican women I can be quite sure. We have a lot of other things going on in life that is good and some things that are challenging. Cuz we don’t live in a bubble. The thing is though, I know dozens of others that do follow their bliss. We’re spoiled that way. Having so many friends with specific goals and when they don’t, they just keep showing up to the gym until they decide what next for them. At that’s cool, sometimes we just bide our time until another door opens and then we know we’re prepared to get prepared for it.

And that’s it in a nutshell for training. Sometimes we train for a specific goal or season. Sometimes we train out of habit even though we don’t have specific goals right meow but trust something will come along that will kick our butts into high gear. And sometimes we train just to look and feel better. Our goals may not seem as important as an Olympian, but really, who cares? A PR is a PR and is to be celebrated. And if we look good while doing it? Call me vain, I’ll answer.

Bad girl. Your face should be disappointed in you.

Carlton

Training Log

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment